I’ve been absent on my blog for quite some time now. I’ve had several people ask me why I stopped writing and all I can say is I got to a point that I didn’t feel that strong push and desire to write. My family has been more of a priority than anything but I do realize that for those who don’t know my story well would appreciate an update.
A lot has happened over the last year and I recognize the need for me to continue to express myself and share my story. If you have followed my blog and have read all my stories please be patient with me as I continue to gain clarity in my writing as I share my most recent processing.
The main difference in my life since February is my getting back together with my husband, JD. This last year has been outlined with a lot of growth and progress on both of our accounts. I’ve share many personal details about our story and if you recall from my posts last summer I was filing for divorce. I got to the point where I was really done and did go forward shedding the old scripts and patterns I had created in my marriage. The divorce process was almost complete and I felt peace in my decision to move forward. However, in February when I least expected it, JD came back into my life as a man who had been humbled and was on his road to recovery. He had been through a lot and was still trekking onward despite the difficulties that he faced. I saw in him a new man. I saw him through the eyes of Christ. I saw in him a man who truly loves me but he had gained a conviction to continue his path of healing no matter what. I decided on an unexpected, beautiful and tender day that I was going to stay with my husband and that I was going to be the woman by his side. The grace of God prevailed in our marriage and we shared many precious experiences together that I will cherish forever. I thought my heart was closed to him for good but the tender mercies of God showered our family in those first days and weeks when we got back together. JD is the perfect mirror for me and the perfect man for me to work my issues out with. Although he has his issues and his addictions he has continued to show up for me emotionally and has revealed God’s love for me in a profound way that I have never felt before.
It may sound cheesy and many people don’t agree with my decision or understand but what it comes down to is LOVE. I am fully aware of my his issues which is completely different than when I was blind and did not want to see his dark side or my dark side for that matter. We are conscious in our relationship, something that I don’t believe most people in our culture even understand. Something I didn’t understand before we went through the last several years together. We are working on our relationship daily. We are working on ourselves daily. We are seeking guidance and counsel, and receiving Divine support as we are committed to one another on the Red Path.
I believe that the power of repentance and forgiveness changes lives. Sometimes the path of change looks different than we think it should but I believe as we give up the control and let LOVE and GOD into our hearts, we will be guided. We will be directed as our lives unfold into what it is that our intentions are. So I admit and finally getting my thoughts out on this path I’m on – that I’ve been guided back to my dear JD. The man I love and adore. The man who has shown me a level of love and tenderness that I never knew. The man who knows me better than anyone and still patiently waits for me to soften my heart to his love. The man who teaches me and reminds me daily of who I am and that the most important thing is LOVE.
* *I wrote the majority of this post months ago when I was coming to terms with the end of my marriage.At that time I had been doing a lot of online research about the behavioral tendencies of a sex addict.The following thoughts are my feelings and personal experience of being married to a SA. **
No real recovering is happening if a sex addict isn’t committed to learning why he acts out, avoids those triggers that are causing that behavior and learning what caused the addictions in the first place.
I married a sex addict and as a recovering spouse I have committed myself to learning why he acts out, honing in on his triggers, and attempting to help him face the cause of his addictions.I have been the one working on facing the reality for over the past year and working through it.In order to make a relationship work, and for a SA to heal, he/she should be the one doing all those things.I have provided a safe place for healing and have given him tools and a way for him to heal, but he hasn’t chosen to do so.
I admit there have been attempts on his part, but there has yet to be COMPLETE honesty and transparency – no evasiveness, denial, half truths or defensiveness.I soon realized however, that if he can’t be honest, he can’t be committed to his recovery as I thought he was.
A good friend of mine introduced me to Yehuda Berg’s Daily Tune Ups over a year ago.You can subscribe to receive his daily inspirational messages here. I’ve received a few of his messages in the past week or so that go exactly along with what I’m learning right now on the Red Path as well.I love it when I hear the same truth being repeated in several different mediums.
The following thought from Yehuda Berg goes along with my last post, You & I…We’re the Same.
“We’re not always what we appear to be. We wear a mask that conceals our truths. Just look at the people in your life. What do you really know about them, even the ones you are closest to? Do really know what makes them tick? Chances are you know only what they let you see. Have the courage today to share your pure thoughts. Be willing to say the uncomfortable truths. Do anything in your power to be open and honest with people.”
My excitement and passion is to see under the mask of everyone in my life.I am writing this blog in an effort to remove my own mask.The topics that I’ve been writing about come genuinely from my heart and I further commit to continue doing so.My writing is therapeutic for me in working through my thoughts and feelings but I also hope it reaches some of you and inspires change in your life.
It’s a huge problem we have in our society that we don’t want to be vulnerable with those around us.We have misconceptions about sharing our feelings, crying, being honest, and at times saying the uncomfortable truth. For so many women it is really difficult to cry in front of others and let our friends and family see us be really vulnerable.If you are one of those who hates to cry and let others see the real you, I know it can be scary!I assure you though that as you continue to do so you will be removing your mask.It is a huge relief when you are with a woman who finally lets down her mask and you see she is human!We have a tendency to set each other up on pedestals and seeing each other cry and express our true feelings is so comforting in knowing that we are the same!
Being human reminds me of one of my new favorite songs by a Christian singer Natalie Grant.I’ll link a video of her singing with Jordin Sparks as well as the lyrics below.Enjoy!
Human by Natalie Grant Every life has a choice To rise up to fill the void Every heart has a mission And we are called to be human
We gotta do better than this cuz we only got One chance to make a difference We gotta do better than this cuz we only got One life that we've been given A little love, a little kindness A little light in this time of darkness It'll be what makes us different It'll be what makes us human I'm human, you're human, we are human
We are marked with His image And we are scarred with indifference Maybe now we should listen Hear the cry of God's children
We gotta do better than this cuz we only got One chance to make a difference We gotta do better than this cuz we only got One life that we've been given A little love, a little kindess A little light in this time of darkness It'll be what makes the difference It'll be what makes us human I'm human, you're human, we are We are human I'm human, you're human, we are We are human
Gotta do better than this cuz I only got One chance to make a difference Gotta do better than this cuz I'm only Just one
I'm human, you're human, we are We are human
It'll be what makes the difference It'll be what makes us human
So the past month or so I've been working out a lot of my thoughts and feelings about marriage and relationships.I wanted to get my story about Miriam posted before I wrote this because if you read her birth story you'll know that my husband (now known on this blog as JD) was not present at her birth.I had found out shortly before my due date that he had a whole double life he had been hiding from me and to put it mildly I was a wreck.It had taken me weeks at that time to get to an emotional space where I wanted to know the truth.I worked at group on my denial and took responsibility of how I was in denial when I got remarried to him.I took responsibility that I had done my part in being deceived and acting like the victim in my life.I finally decided I was ready to uncover the truth and uncover I did.I was a woman on a mission to get to the bottom of his other life.How can you make progress with anyone unless you get to the bottom of what is truly going on and getting to the real issue?Well, I knew I couldn't proceed forth in my relationship unless I KNEW.Some women don't agree with me, and for that I am saddened.I know for a fact that I had given my power away to JD and I didn’t own my intuition and power as a woman.I KNEW that something was going on with him but I didn't know what and I didn't know how serious it was.The powers of heaven pour down upon a woman, wife, and mother when she wants to get to the bottom of the truth and I felt God's gentle hand guiding me through that time. If you have ever been through a similar experience you can vouch for the difficulty this causes and the faith it requires to decide to face something you have metaphorically swept under the rug.
This week has been difficult – I’ve had all six of my kids all day and will for three more weeks this summer.We’re all trying to get used to each other again, since we normally only have them all together on the weekends.Needless to say, we’ve had a full house and quite an interesting time with everyone getting along.Monday was the worst day of them all, but I think as long as we stay busy the next two weeks will go much smoother.If you have any tips for the long summer weeks please pass them along!It also helped me to remember yet again that each and every one of my children is a representation of me and they each trigger a part of myself that I still don’t love and accept.
I guess you could say that I’ve fallen off the band wagon.Most people use this metaphor when talking about dieting but in this instance I guess you could say I’ve fallen off the love band wagon.Just ten days ago I wrote, It’s All About the Love blog post, expressing how much love I was feeling and that I really understood the gift of charity.Unfortunately those amazing feelings didn’t last long I’m sad to admit.I was feeling really good for a couple days and then I allowed the doubt, fear, and anger creep back into my heart.I was really making a conscious effort to pray and to constantly express my gratitude and ask for help in staying in my heart for several days.Now I’m sitting here ten days later realizing that I’m listening to my head voice and submitting to doubt and fear.Part of me wonders what the hell went wrong, I thought I was going to feel like this forever??Another part of me knows that this is the cycle that we all go through and hopes that those moments of love and peace will last longer and the moments of doubt and fear will be less and less.
A good indicator that we aren’t living in our heart is taking personal inventory in how our thoughts are making us feel.Are our thoughts making us sad, doubtful, fearful, angry, distrusting, or envious?If so it’s an amazing internal indicator that what we are thinking isn’t inspired by the Divine.God wants us to be happy, full of love, creative, inspired, grateful and joyful.Admittedly again, I know that my thoughts have not been God inspired.Sometimes I get in my head and I spin and spin with negative thoughts and scenarios.This has been what I’ve been doing as of late and I’m glad that I can realize it and stop being so stubborn and hard hearted.Sometimes I just want to stay in that negative place because I’m more comfortable that way.When I think about that though, it’s sad that I would believe deep down that being negative is more comfortable and safe than letting in love.
I am human and thus I make a lot of mistakes.I was also made in the image of God and so I am also very capable of turning that negativity around with the help of my Savior.I guess I’m really just writing for me right now and that I need to take my own advice…I’m grateful that I was able to record my feelings the other day because it’s helping me right now to soften my cold heart.Part of this process requires a lot of repentance.For me it also involves a lot of crying and allowing myself to feel my broken heart.It also involves casting out the lies that I have been telling myself that aren’t making me happy.The most glorious part of this process is finally surrendering to Love and letting in the Divine.It really feels so much better to be soft.The truth is I’m really scared and I feel extremely vulnerable being in my heart.
What it comes down to is I’m training myself to think…to watch my thoughts…to plant positive seeds in my mind.I’ve realized that a big part of this for me is positive affirmations.Sadly I haven’t been doing affirmations as much as I have in the past and I can tell a difference.I went on a walk alone this weekend and remembered how I used to go on affirmation walks several months ago. These walks consisted of me repeating affirmations in my mind the entire way.“I love and accept myself” used to be my internal mantra. This past weekend I walked and was thinking about my internal struggle to stay in my heart lately and how this struggle comes down to me still not loving myself.I decided to say this affirmation while walking and was amazed at all the negative self talk that began to arise.I spent the remainder of my walk in prayer, repenting for listening to lies again, and asking for help in realizing my power and beauty as a women and daughter of God. In addition to positive affirmation, visualization is also a tool that helps me stay in my heart.I lamented to a friend once that I really struggle with positive imaging and visualization. She shared her same struggle but also expressed how she could visualize and create all sorts of negative scenarios in her head about herself, her husband, or others.She wisely said that if we can create all sorts of negative untrue scenarios in our heads, then we posses the power to visualize, we are just doing it with the power of fear and doubt!Well that made sense to me and I decided to stop telling myself that I can’t visualize – because clearly I can, I’ve just been going about it all wrong.Yet again, I have succumbed to negative imaging and visualization.I realized it tonight because I was feeling pretty crummy about myself.I recalled this conversation and immediately realized that I’ve had a very negative internal dialogue going on inside of me.I’m grateful to see this so I can repent of doing it and then ask for help in visualizing the things that I DO want in my life.I really need a lot of love even though it scares me out of my mind sometimes to be loved; it’s really what I want.Thank you to all of you who love, support, and encourage me.
I am feeling so much love and peace right now.In this moment I really understand the gift of charity.I understand more so than ever that it really is a gift that is given to us by God.The only way we can truly posses this gift is to pray and ask for it.I did last night and my prayers were really answered.I am so grateful for this gift and for the power of prayer!I went to group (the Red Path Healing Circle) last night feeling pretty angry.As I mentioned yesterday I’ve had a lot of anger issues come up in relationship to some pretty deep wounded childhood energy.I faced that energy head on last week and felt peace for about a day or so then my anger started creeping in and I ended up taking it out on everyone.It was a hard week and in all honesty, my anger didn’t make me happy.I really don’t like being mad all the time and getting triggered by anything and everything.However, on the Red Path we are taught to take accountability and if something is manifesting in our life, it’s because we want it – good or bad.So, since I was angry last week it was because a part of me still wants to be angry and feels safer being angry.But really underneath all that anger is my pain and that is what this week was really about.I was running from my pain by being angry.So back to last night…I decided to work on my anger and why I was running from my pain.Although it was painful, I’d much rather feel my true feelings than hide behind my anger, even if I have to punish myself by being in that space for a week - lol.When we are feeling the depth of our pain then we can give that to the Savior. It’s hard to give that pain to the Savior when we are masking it with feelings of anger and rage. I believe in Jesus Christ and He is my Savior.I desire to be like Him and to have the gift of charity.Last night as I was processing it was clear as day to me what my real challenge is.I have to decide every day to choose love rather than hate, anger, and fear.Because I am an agent I can choose in each moment which spirit I am going to live my life by.I chose last night to have the spirit of love and prayed to have the gift of charity.
I’m having a hard time blogging – in case you haven’t noticed.I really wanted to be a consistent blogger because I like reading blogs that update on a consistent basis, especially when I look forward to reading what they have to say.In my mind I have become a complete slacker.But slacking really isn’t the word I’d use for what’s going on with me lately.I’ve been working through some pretty deep energy lately.My hubby has been wonderful to help me feel safe to go to some pretty internal scary places that have been sealed shut for a LONG time.I’m learning to let his love in and let him comfort the parts inside of me that have been hurt, abused, and are quite frankly scared to death.Let me tell you, it’s terrifying.He is absolutely amazing to me when I am working through this kind of energy and no one could do a better job than him.As hard as the past few weeks and months have been for me in facing myself, I believe it’s necessary for what I really want.You see, I want to be an authentic human being and it’s my believe that you can’t really be authentic if you pretending that parts of you don’t exist and if there are parts of you that are festering in anger, pain, and denial.It’s my goal to really let love into all those parts of me and to release my anger and pain and give it to the Savior – after all he already paid the price for that, right?
This is all easier said than done.I’m finally learning for the first time in my life what the scriptures are talking about when they say, pray without ceasing.It’s not just a basic Sunday school answer, it’s more than that.It’s the challenge for all of us and as much as I resist it, there is another part of me that desperately wants to finally “get it.”I’m much closer to getting it than I have been before and I am grateful and moved to tears as I think about everything that I have gone through to get to this place.I realize how prideful I’ve been and how I push the Spirit away.I have so much to be grateful for and I have truly been blessed beyond measure.I’ve been given so many spiritual gifts and understanding through my so called “trials” and this scares me at times because I know where much is given much is required.I really don’t know what the Lord has in store for me in the future but I know it has something to do with sharing my story.I hope to be patient with myself and loving as I continue to discover my truth on every level. Thank you to all of you who teach me by example to be gentle and loving with everyone, including myself.Thank you for teaching me about love.I’m grateful for who I am today and who I was yesterday- it’s all part of who I am becoming tomorrow.
Disclaimer: This is a LONG blog post...proceed with caution! If you missed Part One, read that first here.
My biggest transformational shift came after Evan was born.Two years after he was born we were trying to get pregnant again, but no such luck.Shortly after Evan’s 2nd birthday my husband at the time was diagnosed with having a brain tumor.It wasn’t until after having surgery to remove the tumor did we find out that it was cancerous.He made the decision almost immediately to try an “alternative” route to healing his cancer and to put it simply, I freaked out.I grew up in a family that went to the doctor when I was sick and took medication for anything from a headache to strep throat.I thought my husband was going to die and was scared to death that he didn’t want to go to a doctor to do the recommended treatment.I took his decision personally and decided he must not love me or our growing family enough because he didn’t want to go through the expected radiation treatments. This experience was really the pivotal moment in my life, where my foundation started to crumble. I will write about this transformation in more detail at a later time, but for now I’ll keep it as simple as possible to outline what happened with my pregnancy with my son Daniel and his birth.A lot of things happened during this time, so even though there is a lot of information it is all pertinent to my birth experience.
I believe in the power, existence, and reality of a Divine Mother.I think it’s a shame that we don’t talk about HER, in addition to talking to about Heavenly Father and a Savior.In my upbringing in the LDS or Mormon faith, we rarely talk about her and her existence and I was taught that she is too sacred for us to talk about.I honor the tradition of my childhood and I have always felt drawn to learn more about Her.I’ve always wanted to know more about HER and more about my connection with her.I mean, I’m a woman and so is she - so shouldn’t I be getting my identity from her – my Divine Mother?If we supposedly get our identity from our same gender parent… shouldn’t we be getting our identity from our Divine Parents as well?
Well, as a student and woman on the Red Path, I am so grateful for the Native American perspective of our Divine Mother.My learning and growth on the Red Path has helped me to face the truth about myself, overcome my weaknesses, and heal my pain through the Savior, Jesus Christ.On the Red Path, we are taught that the Earth is a physical representation of our Divine Mother and we can learn so much from her as we honor, love, respect, and take care of the Earth.When I am struggling if I take the time to be outside, relax, take off my shoes, put my face in the grass and let Her support me, I feel rejuvenated, loved, and peaceful.
I am learning what it means to be a woman and am grateful for all the moments I have been taught so clearly how to live by my Divine Mother.There have been some pivotal and powerful moments where I was taught so lovingly by her.Our Divine Mother is the manifestation of LOVE.If we want the gift of charity, then she can teach us through her love about the Savior and the love He has for us as well.She can be a safe place for those of us who have been hurt by men and struggle in our faith and belief in Heavenly Father’s love.Even though I have had these amazing experiences, I have still hardened my heart and fail to let her love in on a consistent basis.Amazingly enough, as much as I desire it, it’s hard to be loved – really and truly loved and accepted for I am.None of us in this earthly experience are perfect and so it takes a great deal of faith to believe that someone so Divine would love us so fully and perfectly.I am so human – I struggle, doubt, fear, and live in my pain so frequently.However, the other night I had an amazing experience where I was able to yet again open up to her love.Thank you Divine Mother for loving me.Thank you for helping me on my journey to love and accept myself no matter what.Thank you for your gift of faith and peace.Thank you for teaching me about my Creator.Thank you for being safe.I am grateful to be a woman, wife, and mother and that I am a living expression of her.
Hi! I'm Christa, a dynamic woman and mother on my personal path of self discovery. I’m passionate about natural childbirth, green living, herbal remedies, vegan/raw food, crafts, woodworking, Down syndrome, spiritual healing, essential oils, owning my power and beauty as a woman and empowering other woman to live their truth.
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