I’ve been absent on my blog for quite some time now. I’ve had several people ask me why I stopped writing and all I can say is I got to a point that I didn’t feel that strong push and desire to write. My family has been more of a priority than anything but I do realize that for those who don’t know my story well would appreciate an update.
A lot has happened over the last year and I recognize the need for me to continue to express myself and share my story. If you have followed my blog and have read all my stories please be patient with me as I continue to gain clarity in my writing as I share my most recent processing.
The main difference in my life since February is my getting back together with my husband, JD. This last year has been outlined with a lot of growth and progress on both of our accounts. I’ve share many personal details about our story and if you recall from my posts last summer I was filing for divorce. I got to the point where I was really done and did go forward shedding the old scripts and patterns I had created in my marriage. The divorce process was almost complete and I felt peace in my decision to move forward. However, in February when I least expected it, JD came back into my life as a man who had been humbled and was on his road to recovery. He had been through a lot and was still trekking onward despite the difficulties that he faced. I saw in him a new man. I saw him through the eyes of Christ. I saw in him a man who truly loves me but he had gained a conviction to continue his path of healing no matter what. I decided on an unexpected, beautiful and tender day that I was going to stay with my husband and that I was going to be the woman by his side. The grace of God prevailed in our marriage and we shared many precious experiences together that I will cherish forever. I thought my heart was closed to him for good but the tender mercies of God showered our family in those first days and weeks when we got back together. JD is the perfect mirror for me and the perfect man for me to work my issues out with. Although he has his issues and his addictions he has continued to show up for me emotionally and has revealed God’s love for me in a profound way that I have never felt before.
It may sound cheesy and many people don’t agree with my decision or understand but what it comes down to is LOVE. I am fully aware of my his issues which is completely different than when I was blind and did not want to see his dark side or my dark side for that matter. We are conscious in our relationship, something that I don’t believe most people in our culture even understand. Something I didn’t understand before we went through the last several years together. We are working on our relationship daily. We are working on ourselves daily. We are seeking guidance and counsel, and receiving Divine support as we are committed to one another on the Red Path.
I believe that the power of repentance and forgiveness changes lives. Sometimes the path of change looks different than we think it should but I believe as we give up the control and let LOVE and GOD into our hearts, we will be guided. We will be directed as our lives unfold into what it is that our intentions are. So I admit and finally getting my thoughts out on this path I’m on – that I’ve been guided back to my dear JD. The man I love and adore. The man who has shown me a level of love and tenderness that I never knew. The man who knows me better than anyone and still patiently waits for me to soften my heart to his love. The man who teaches me and reminds me daily of who I am and that the most important thing is LOVE.
I've been pretty much nonexistent on my blog the past month or so. I haven’t gotten on my blog, checked my stats, or written much of anything.I'm still struggling with wanting to speak the truth. I'm dealing with a lot of wounded energy and I feel like I'm going to get in trouble if I keep expressing myself. On one level I know this isn't true, but for a deep part of me, I feel like just ending my blog all together. I know these feeling stem from my childhood abuse and it’s common to feel like you are going to get in trouble if you’ve been abused.I keep praying to work through this energy, but I'm also learning to accept that this is where I'm at right now and not beat myself up. I'm learning what it means to be gentle on myself and to not put undue stress on myself because of my expectations. It’s just not helpful for me to be upset at myself because I’m not where I want to be.Expectations are a big thing for me and something I’ve been working through a lot lately.I feel overburdened with the expectations I feel from myself as a women, mother, friend, expectations from my family, and society in general.As women we feel as though we have to meet certain expectations or we are not good enough.I have had to release a lot of unnecessary expectations on myself the past several years and let me tell you it’s freeing to do so.I never knew until I started to take accountability for my life how much I was burdened by expectations.When it comes down to it in all honesty, God loves us no matter what!It’s ok to ease up on ourselves…to breathe…to relax… to lighten up.So this blog post is to further affirm that it’s ok that I’m working through a lot of energy lately and it’s ok that I don’t feel like blogging or speaking my truth for that matter.
The funny thing is though as I write this, I start to feel that excitement and spark of wanting to speak up and express myself.It’s also sinking into those wounded parts of me that it’s perfectly safe to speak the truth.It’s safe to express myself in ways that are meaningful to me.When it comes down to it, I know I have to continue writing my blog because it is meaningful for me to do so.I have no expectation of when I’m going to post next, but it feels good to get my thoughts out.
So the past month or so I've been working out a lot of my thoughts and feelings about marriage and relationships.I wanted to get my story about Miriam posted before I wrote this because if you read her birth story you'll know that my husband (now known on this blog as JD) was not present at her birth.I had found out shortly before my due date that he had a whole double life he had been hiding from me and to put it mildly I was a wreck.It had taken me weeks at that time to get to an emotional space where I wanted to know the truth.I worked at group on my denial and took responsibility of how I was in denial when I got remarried to him.I took responsibility that I had done my part in being deceived and acting like the victim in my life.I finally decided I was ready to uncover the truth and uncover I did.I was a woman on a mission to get to the bottom of his other life.How can you make progress with anyone unless you get to the bottom of what is truly going on and getting to the real issue?Well, I knew I couldn't proceed forth in my relationship unless I KNEW.Some women don't agree with me, and for that I am saddened.I know for a fact that I had given my power away to JD and I didn’t own my intuition and power as a woman.I KNEW that something was going on with him but I didn't know what and I didn't know how serious it was.The powers of heaven pour down upon a woman, wife, and mother when she wants to get to the bottom of the truth and I felt God's gentle hand guiding me through that time. If you have ever been through a similar experience you can vouch for the difficulty this causes and the faith it requires to decide to face something you have metaphorically swept under the rug.
**There are still a few days left to enter into my Gratitude Giveaway and win a set of my handmade cards. Check it out here.***
“The moment you say affirmations, you are stepping out of the victim role.You are no longer helpless.You are acknowledging your own power.”Louise Hay
I’ve had some criticism and skepticism from others regarding my path lately and I am writing now for myself as a reminder that I know I am in the right place for me right now in my life. I already know this on many levels, but lately I’ve been dealing with some deep core parts of myself that still need to hear these affirmations. A dear friend of mine introduced me to Daily Kabbalah Tune Ups and I love getting these insights in my inbox everyday.You can read more about Kabbalah on their website.I believe there is a lot of truth in what they are teaching and the daily emails help me to keep perspective as I continually work on changing my limiting beliefs.The email I received this morning was perfect.
“Certainty isn’t positive thought or a personal mantra. It’s not, I know he’s the one or I’m sure everything is going to be fine in the end. Positive thinking is important, but it’s not certainty. Certainty is knowing that this system works, and because it works, I’m in the right place right now, regardless of how it looks. And because I’m in the right place at the right time, every time, I need to be good with where I’m at. No matter what. Today, inject greater certainty that you’re on the right path, that you’re connected to the Light, and that you’re in the right place, at the right time, every time.”
We have internal dialogues going on constantly throughout the day.When was the last time you really listened to how you talk to yourself?Are you positive, uplifting, motivating, and affirming?Or are you negative, degrading, accusatory, and self deprecating?More than likely you speak negatively – it’s ingrained in us from childhood – it was ingrained in our parents from their childhood – its a pattern that exists in our society.Negative patterns of thinking, and believing about yourself and others – habits that are so a part of us that most often than not we don’t even know how negative we are with ourselves!
I for one didn’t ever give much thought to this topic until a few years ago when I really started to work on myself and my inner world.When I get really honest with myself though I know that many of my day to day problems stem from negative beliefs I have of myself.Since gaining this awareness, I vacillate back and forth between positive thinking and the negative self talk from the past.Sometimes I do a really good job and go weeks and even months practicing positive affirmations and thinking.Yet, other times, I fall into the trap of my old beliefs and I struggle desperately day to day.
This week has been difficult – I’ve had all six of my kids all day and will for three more weeks this summer.We’re all trying to get used to each other again, since we normally only have them all together on the weekends.Needless to say, we’ve had a full house and quite an interesting time with everyone getting along.Monday was the worst day of them all, but I think as long as we stay busy the next two weeks will go much smoother.If you have any tips for the long summer weeks please pass them along!It also helped me to remember yet again that each and every one of my children is a representation of me and they each trigger a part of myself that I still don’t love and accept.
I am feeling so much love and peace right now.In this moment I really understand the gift of charity.I understand more so than ever that it really is a gift that is given to us by God.The only way we can truly posses this gift is to pray and ask for it.I did last night and my prayers were really answered.I am so grateful for this gift and for the power of prayer!I went to group (the Red Path Healing Circle) last night feeling pretty angry.As I mentioned yesterday I’ve had a lot of anger issues come up in relationship to some pretty deep wounded childhood energy.I faced that energy head on last week and felt peace for about a day or so then my anger started creeping in and I ended up taking it out on everyone.It was a hard week and in all honesty, my anger didn’t make me happy.I really don’t like being mad all the time and getting triggered by anything and everything.However, on the Red Path we are taught to take accountability and if something is manifesting in our life, it’s because we want it – good or bad.So, since I was angry last week it was because a part of me still wants to be angry and feels safer being angry.But really underneath all that anger is my pain and that is what this week was really about.I was running from my pain by being angry.So back to last night…I decided to work on my anger and why I was running from my pain.Although it was painful, I’d much rather feel my true feelings than hide behind my anger, even if I have to punish myself by being in that space for a week - lol.When we are feeling the depth of our pain then we can give that to the Savior. It’s hard to give that pain to the Savior when we are masking it with feelings of anger and rage. I believe in Jesus Christ and He is my Savior.I desire to be like Him and to have the gift of charity.Last night as I was processing it was clear as day to me what my real challenge is.I have to decide every day to choose love rather than hate, anger, and fear.Because I am an agent I can choose in each moment which spirit I am going to live my life by.I chose last night to have the spirit of love and prayed to have the gift of charity.
I’m having a hard time blogging – in case you haven’t noticed.I really wanted to be a consistent blogger because I like reading blogs that update on a consistent basis, especially when I look forward to reading what they have to say.In my mind I have become a complete slacker.But slacking really isn’t the word I’d use for what’s going on with me lately.I’ve been working through some pretty deep energy lately.My hubby has been wonderful to help me feel safe to go to some pretty internal scary places that have been sealed shut for a LONG time.I’m learning to let his love in and let him comfort the parts inside of me that have been hurt, abused, and are quite frankly scared to death.Let me tell you, it’s terrifying.He is absolutely amazing to me when I am working through this kind of energy and no one could do a better job than him.As hard as the past few weeks and months have been for me in facing myself, I believe it’s necessary for what I really want.You see, I want to be an authentic human being and it’s my believe that you can’t really be authentic if you pretending that parts of you don’t exist and if there are parts of you that are festering in anger, pain, and denial.It’s my goal to really let love into all those parts of me and to release my anger and pain and give it to the Savior – after all he already paid the price for that, right?
This is all easier said than done.I’m finally learning for the first time in my life what the scriptures are talking about when they say, pray without ceasing.It’s not just a basic Sunday school answer, it’s more than that.It’s the challenge for all of us and as much as I resist it, there is another part of me that desperately wants to finally “get it.”I’m much closer to getting it than I have been before and I am grateful and moved to tears as I think about everything that I have gone through to get to this place.I realize how prideful I’ve been and how I push the Spirit away.I have so much to be grateful for and I have truly been blessed beyond measure.I’ve been given so many spiritual gifts and understanding through my so called “trials” and this scares me at times because I know where much is given much is required.I really don’t know what the Lord has in store for me in the future but I know it has something to do with sharing my story.I hope to be patient with myself and loving as I continue to discover my truth on every level. Thank you to all of you who teach me by example to be gentle and loving with everyone, including myself.Thank you for teaching me about love.I’m grateful for who I am today and who I was yesterday- it’s all part of who I am becoming tomorrow.
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”In order to stop the insanity we have to be willing and open to change.Sometimes this is easier said than done, but in my life I have learned the most, gained the most insight, and have made pivitoal transformations in my life when I am willing to do something different.I receive a weekly inspiriational reminder from Carol Tuttle and this is the one that was in my inbox today.
“Each of us has the freedom to choose perceptions of our life experiences and the world around us that support us in feeling good all the time.Each of us has the power to change how we feel instantly.” ( Remembering Wholeness, pg. 92)
If you’d like to subscribe to receive her weekly reminders, click here.Also, I’ve been introduced to a couple websites the past week that are amazing and can help you make changes in your life.
It is my belief that everything that manifests physically in our body has an emotional basis. If there is a physical problem such as a bloody nose, or back ache in my family I almost immediately to go the book, Messages From The Body, by Ph.D. FKA Narayan-Singh Khalsa to better understand the emotional or physiological reason of the manifestation. Narayan-Singh teaches in this book that, "illnesses and disorders are linked to beliefs and changes of beliefs about oneself, about the nature of one's relationships with others, about one's position in the social world, and about where one stands in relation to the Universe. And these, in turn, are determined by one's life experiences, by one's interventions in the world, and by one's soul history." I have a shorter version of this online book that is not copyrighted so I can make copies for anyone interested. This is a great resource to add in your library if you want to better understand your own health and what is going on behind the scenes in your body.It’s amazing how right on explanations are so you can acknowledge, own, and then bring it to the Savior.
In addition to this book, I also like to use Louise Hay's books that also break down the physical symptoms and emotional reasons behind them, but more importantly she then gives AFFIRMATIONS to help us change our thinking that created the dis-ease in the first place.. In addition to these tools, I also love to use herbs and will seek my herbal resources to find the best the Mother Earth has to offer as well.
Hi! I'm Christa, a dynamic woman and mother on my personal path of self discovery. I’m passionate about natural childbirth, green living, herbal remedies, vegan/raw food, crafts, woodworking, Down syndrome, spiritual healing, essential oils, owning my power and beauty as a woman and empowering other woman to live their truth.