Have you felt out of place and not quite sure how you fit in with other women, what your gifts and strengths really are?  Have you ever wondered why you have a closet full of clothes that never seem quite right?  Have you been searching for peace and self acceptance for you - just the way you are? 

I'm so excited to share this special offer with you.  You can learn what Beauty Type you are for FREE.  Normally the Beauty Profiling course is $39.00 but now it's being offered for free.  Go here to learn all about Beauty Profiling.  I'm a type three and learning this about myself has been so freeing.  Accepting that I'm a rich, dynamic, edgy woman has made all the difference and has been a lot of FUN!  I think my secondary type is a one so having fun is also very important for me.  Go watch the video and see for yourself how amazing this information is.  Knowledge is power!
I hope you take advantage of this great offer and I promise you won't be disappointed that you did.  I'd love for you to share what you've learned once you watch the video, so come back and leave a comment about what you discovered about your Beauty Type.
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Since I haven’t been writing as much this last year, I thought I’d give a recap on the ten top things that happened in my life or things I discovered about myself in 2011. 

1-      My hubby and I got back together in February after a 9 month separation

2-      Our family moved from a small 3 bedroom duplex into a spacious 6 bedroom house

3-      I have space now to decorate and have been busy making things for our house

4-      I discovered a love for repurposing and fixing up “old” furniture – making trash into treasure

5-      Received a Silhouette SD for my birthday and am finally an owner of a die cut machine and have been busily making things to beautify and organize our home

6-      Realized again my love for biking and hiking and went on many excursions with my family, including Timpanogos Cave with all six of our children

7-      Witnessed tremendous growth in my relationship with myself, my husband, and my children 

8-      My little Miriam finally started walking

9-      Found greater love and acceptance of myself and others as well as gained more peace in my life

10-   Helped facilitate a long awaited reunion between father and son

I'm excited for 2012 and new year of blessing, growth, and joy!  My goal is to write more this year, but I'm not committing to any number of posts, just more than last year!  Happy New Year to you all!



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I’ve been absent on my blog for quite some time now.  I’ve had several people ask me why I stopped writing and all I can say is I got to a point that I didn’t feel that strong push and desire to write.  My family has been more of a priority than anything but I do realize that for those who don’t know my story well would appreciate an update.

A lot has happened over the last year and I recognize the need for me to continue to express myself and share my story.  If you have followed my blog and have read all my stories please be patient with me as I continue to gain clarity in my writing as I share my most recent processing.

The main difference in my life since February is my getting back together with my husband,  JD.  This last year has been outlined with a lot of growth and progress on both of our accounts.  I’ve share many personal details about our story and if you recall from my posts last summer I was filing for divorce.  I got to the point where I was really done and did go forward shedding the old scripts and patterns I had created in my marriage.  The divorce process was almost complete and I felt peace in my decision to move forward.  However, in February when I least expected it, JD came back into my life as a man who had been humbled and was on his road to recovery.  He had been through a lot and was still trekking onward despite the difficulties that he faced.   I saw in him a new man.  I saw him through the eyes of Christ.  I saw in him a man who truly loves me but he had gained a conviction to continue his path of healing no matter what.  I decided on an unexpected, beautiful and tender day that I was going to stay with my husband and that I was going to be the woman by his side.  The grace of God prevailed in our marriage and we shared many precious experiences together that I will cherish forever.  I thought my heart was closed to him for good but the tender mercies of God showered our family in those first days and weeks when we got back together.   JD is the perfect mirror for me and the perfect man for me to work my issues out with.  Although he has his issues and his addictions he has continued to show up for me emotionally and has revealed God’s love for me in a profound way that I have never felt before. 

It may sound cheesy and many people don’t agree with my decision or understand but what it comes down to is LOVE.  I am fully aware of my his issues which is completely different than when I was blind and did not want to see his dark side or my dark side for that matter.  We are conscious in our relationship, something that I don’t believe most people in our culture even understand.  Something I didn’t understand before we went through the last several years together.  We are working on our relationship daily.  We are working on ourselves daily.  We are seeking guidance and counsel, and receiving Divine support as we are committed to one another on the Red Path.

I believe that the power of repentance and forgiveness changes lives.  Sometimes the path of change looks different than we think it should but I believe as we give up the control and let LOVE and GOD into our hearts, we will be guided.  We will be directed as our lives unfold into what it is that our intentions are.  So I admit and finally getting my thoughts out on this path I’m on – that I’ve been guided back to my dear JD.  The man I love and adore.  The man who has shown me a level of love and tenderness that I never knew.   The man who knows me better than anyone and still patiently waits for me to soften my heart to his love.  The man who teaches me and reminds me daily of who I am and that the most important thing is LOVE. 

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* *I wrote the majority of this post months ago when I was coming to terms with the end of my marriage.  At that time I had been doing a lot of online research about the behavioral tendencies of a sex addict.  The following thoughts are my feelings and personal experience of being married to a SA. **

No real recovering is happening if a sex addict isn’t committed to learning why he acts out, avoids those triggers that are causing that behavior and learning what caused the addictions in the first place.


I married a sex addict and as a recovering spouse I have committed myself to learning why he acts out, honing in on his triggers, and attempting to help him face the cause of his addictions.  I have been the one working on facing the reality for over the past year and working through it.  In order to make a relationship work, and for a SA to heal, he/she should be the one doing all those things.  I have provided a safe place for healing and have given him tools and a way for him to heal, but he hasn’t chosen to do so. 

I admit there have been attempts on his part, but there has yet to be COMPLETE honesty and transparency – no evasiveness, denial, half truths or defensiveness.  I soon realized however, that if he can’t be honest, he can’t be committed to his recovery as I thought he was. 
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Expectations 11/10/2010
 
I've been pretty much nonexistent on my blog the past month or so.  I haven’t gotten on my blog, checked my stats, or written much of anything.  I'm still struggling with wanting to speak the truth.  I'm dealing with a lot of wounded energy and I feel like I'm going to get in trouble if I keep expressing myself.  On one level I know this isn't true, but for a deep part of me, I feel like just ending my blog all together.  I know these feeling stem from my childhood abuse and it’s common to feel like you are going to get in trouble if you’ve been abused.  I keep praying to work through this energy, but I'm also learning to accept that this is where I'm at right now and not beat myself up.  I'm learning what it means to be gentle on myself and to not put undue stress on myself because of my expectations.  It’s just not helpful for me to be upset at myself because I’m not where I want to be.  Expectations are a big thing for me and something I’ve been working through a lot lately.  I feel overburdened with the expectations I feel from myself as a women, mother, friend, expectations from my family, and society in general.  As women we feel as though we have to meet certain expectations or we are not good enough.  I have had to release a lot of unnecessary expectations on myself the past several years and let me tell you it’s freeing to do so.  I never knew until I started to take accountability for my life how much I was burdened by expectations.  When it comes down to it in all honesty, God loves us no matter what!  It’s ok to ease up on ourselves…to breathe…to relax… to lighten up.  So this blog post is to further affirm that it’s ok that I’m working through a lot of energy lately and it’s ok that I don’t feel like blogging or speaking my truth for that matter. 

 

The funny thing is though as I write this, I start to feel that excitement and spark of wanting to speak up and express myself.  It’s also sinking into those wounded parts of me that it’s perfectly safe to speak the truth.  It’s safe to express myself in ways that are meaningful to me.  When it comes down to it, I know I have to continue writing my blog because it is meaningful for me to do so.   I have no expectation of when I’m going to post next, but it feels good to get my thoughts out. 



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We're All Human 10/21/2010
 
A good friend of mine introduced me to Yehuda Berg’s Daily Tune Ups over a year ago.  You can subscribe to receive his daily inspirational messages here.  I’ve received a few of his messages in the past week or so that go exactly along with what I’m learning right now on the Red Path as well.  I love it when I hear the same truth being repeated in several different mediums.   

The following thought from Yehuda Berg goes along with my last post, You & I…We’re the Same. 

“We’re not always what we appear to be. We wear a mask that conceals our truths. Just look at the people in your life. What do you really know about them, even the ones you are closest to? Do really know what makes them tick? Chances are you know only what they let you see. Have the courage today to share your pure thoughts. Be willing to say the uncomfortable truths. Do anything in your power to be open and honest with people.”

My excitement and passion is to see under the mask of everyone in my life.  I am writing this blog in an effort to remove my own mask.  The topics that I’ve been writing about come genuinely from my heart and I further commit to continue doing so.  My writing is therapeutic for me in working through my thoughts and feelings but I also hope it reaches some of you and inspires change in your life.   

It’s a huge problem we have in our society that we don’t want to be vulnerable with those around us.  We have misconceptions about sharing our feelings, crying, being honest, and at times saying the uncomfortable truth.  For so many women it is really difficult to cry in front of others and let our friends and family see us be really vulnerable.  If you are one of those who hates to cry and let others see the real you, I know it can be scary!  I assure you though that as you continue to do so you will be removing your mask.  It is a huge relief when you are with a woman who finally lets down her mask and you see she is human!  We have a tendency to set each other up on pedestals and seeing each other cry and express our true feelings is so comforting in knowing that we are the same!

Being human reminds me of one of my new favorite songs by a Christian singer Natalie Grant.  I’ll link a video of her singing with Jordin Sparks as well as the lyrics below.  Enjoy!
Human by Natalie Grant
Every life has a choice
To rise up to fill the void
Every heart has a mission
And we are called to be human

We gotta do better than this cuz we only got
One chance to make a difference
We gotta do better than this cuz we only got
One life that we've been given
A little love, a little kindness
A little light in this time of darkness
It'll be what makes us different
It'll be what makes us human
I'm human, you're human, we are human

We are marked with His image
And we are scarred with indifference
Maybe now we should listen
Hear the cry of God's children

We gotta do better than this cuz we only got
One chance to make a difference
We gotta do better than this cuz we only got
One life that we've been given
A little love, a little kindess
A little light in this time of darkness
It'll be what makes the difference
It'll be what makes us human
I'm human, you're human, we are
We are human
I'm human, you're human, we are
We are human

Gotta do better than this cuz I only got
One chance to make a difference
Gotta do better than this cuz I'm only
Just one

I'm human, you're human, we are
We are human

It'll be what makes the difference
It'll be what makes us human
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We are all connected and if we take the opportunity to see ourselves in others, we can always learn, grow, and change!  I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately and have tried to write my thoughts about on several different occasions.   Most likely there will be several posts on this topic because it is so important.  

My latest thoughts on this subject stem from comments I’ve received from several people about the strength they see in me.  I’ve heard, “you are so strong to go through another divorce, be a single mom, have a baby with Down syndrome, stand up for what you believe in…”  After a compliment such as these I usually hear something like, “I could never do what you are doing, or I could never be as strong as you are…or I would never be able to face my husband like you did, or I could never be a single mom…” 

When I hear comments like these, I am saddened to think that these women don’t know how strong they are too.  We are all strong, or rather we all have the capability to be strong in a resolve or passionate for a cause, or boldly stand up for the truth.  We are all created in God’s image and so we can do anything we put our mind to.  If you think you are somehow stuck in your life and that you cannot move forward, please know from my experience if nothing else, that you are NOT stuck and you CAN move forward.  If you are feeling like a victim of life, know that that victim mentality is just that, a mentality.  Thoughts can be changed at any moment.  A quote I love and have hanging in my home says, “The point of power is always in the present moment.” 

Choosing to be a victim and believing that you don’t deserve better in life is a choice.  I know there are some people who don’t really get that thought or agree with me, but nonetheless, this is what I believe.  We are agents and we can decide in any moment to make changes. 

Maybe by making or thinking those kinds of comments you aren’t necessarily being a victim, but rather just a women who has little self-esteem and doesn’t think she can stand up for herself.  Or you just don't really belive you are strong enough or have enough courage. 

I’ve been in all the above circumstances.  I’ve had to acknowledge many times in recent years that I want to be a victim and I don’t want to stand up and own my power or voice as a woman.  If you are willing to recognize that you are acting that way, then you can change.  Once you have an awareness of your actions, you can always choose to continue behaving that way, or decide to try something new.  That’s what I’ve done in my life and that’s what I continue to do.  

Trying new things has been something I’ve learned a lot about the past five years.  Sometimes trying new things can be as simple or challenging as changing a limiting thought pattern.  I’ve come to the realization many, many times in the past years how limiting my belief patterns are.  I’ve had to come to awareness that deep down I believe a lot of lies about myself, others and God.  When you start to have this awareness it is like a light bulb that finally turns on in your consciousness and you can finally see things that have always been dark before.  More on that topic later!

So as I was saying before if you think you are not strong enough to defend the truth, I’m here to tell you that your belief is false.  You are strong enough.  If you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy and have positive people in your life that also is a false belief you have.  You deserve all the happiness in the world and to be surrounded with like minded people in your life.  If you don’t believe that you can set boundaries in relationships that have gone awry, that’s a false belief as well.  You are strong enough to be heard and for your requests to be honored and valued in the relationships you are in.  You matter.  Your thoughts, feelings, and desires matter. 

The reason I am getting a divorce is because I got to a point in my life that I had set boundary after boundary in my marriage and then I waited to see if those requests would be honored.  I waited for over a year much to the chagrin of family and friends who thought that was being overly generous.  However, I knew wasn’t ready to call it quits until I had given it my all.  I can honestly say I did give it my all in that year after I discovered the truth of what was going on in my marriage and I knew when that relationship was over.  It’s scary to make those decisions and to boldly stand up when you know something to be right and true.  It does take courage, but we all possess courage.  You are courageous.  As I talk to other women, fear seems to take a front seat in how they live their lives.  Now is the time to face your fears in those areas of your life that you are too afraid to face.  You can face the truth.  You can face yourself.  You can look within.  Know that you are safe as you question who you really are and start to take accountability for your life.  It’s a rewarding challenge and it’s the only way we can become authentic human beings.  We have to face the truth and come to peace with the truth and the lies that we’ve believed and lived our whole lives.

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So the past month or so I've been working out a lot of my thoughts and feelings about marriage and relationships.  I wanted to get my story about Miriam posted before I wrote this because if you read her birth story you'll know that my husband (now known on this blog as JD) was not present at her birth.  I had found out shortly before my due date that he had a whole double life he had been hiding from me and to put it mildly I was a wreck.  It had taken me weeks at that time to get to an emotional space where I wanted to know the truth.  I worked at group on my denial and took responsibility of how I was in denial when I got remarried to him.  I took responsibility that I had done my part in being deceived and acting like the victim in my life.  I finally decided I was ready to uncover the truth and uncover I did.  I was a woman on a mission to get to the bottom of his other life.  How can you make progress with anyone unless you get to the bottom of what is truly going on and getting to the real issue?  Well, I knew I couldn't proceed forth in my relationship unless I KNEW.  Some women don't agree with me, and for that I am saddened.  I know for a fact that I had given my power away to JD and I didn’t own my intuition and power as a woman.  I KNEW that something was going on with him but I didn't know what and I didn't know how serious it was.  The powers of heaven pour down upon a woman, wife, and mother when she wants to get to the bottom of the truth and I felt God's gentle hand guiding me through that time.  If you have ever been through a similar experience you can vouch for the difficulty this causes and the faith it requires to decide to face something you have metaphorically swept under the rug. 
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If you’re a regular on my blog then you will know that I absolutely love my midwife Rachel Talley and she helped me so much in the births of my last two children.  In case you missed those stories click here to read more.  Rachel has fourteen years of education and personal application in things relating to birth, healthy living, personal happiness, and emotional and spiritual progression and growth.  She is offering a three day childbirth seminar that I highly recommend to anyone pregnant or not.  Rachel says that these classes are not ONLY for pregnant couples.  If you are even thinking about getting pregnant and wanting to prepare in a conscious, understanding, and gentle way....then these classes are ALSO FOR YOU!!

Rachel has recently revamped her classes and along with the normal course information, she will be providing a rebirthing process and vision board, as part of the seminar.

"The rebirthing process aids to recode the limbic imprinting by releasing the energy stored from a traumatic birth. It helps to move through unwanted energy and redefine, in a loving, peaceful way, a new imprint! You can create through preparation/visualization the birth you actually wanted and find the love you've been seeking for yourself and the world you live in! This process in not only for pregnant woman but for all human kind who is longing to create a place of understanding and personal growth in their lives. This is an AMAZINGLY POWERFUL process!" 

She will end the seminar by making a vision board.  This is yet another powerful process that uses only your senses and intuition to truly "see" and "create" what you are wanting for your life....before, during or after your birth.   

The seminar begins Thursday, Sept. 30 and ends Saturday, Oct. 2nd.  Thursday and Friday will run from 3 pm to 9 pm and Saturday will begin at 10 am and end around 2 or 3 pm.  The cost is $125 per couple.  Sign up by Sept. 18th and save $25.

Please contact Rachel with any questions or concerns.
Rachel M. Talley
801-623-2559
www.livingmom.net


A little bit more about Rachel M. Talley:
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Rachel Talley. I only share this information so you can get to know me a little better.

I have LOVED all things birth related since I was a small child. Since the birth of my first son 14 years ago, I have spent MANY, MANY hours reading, studying and taking classes on many subjects that teach about conception, pregnancy and birth. In 1999, I took the DONA course and began practicing as a doula.  In 2005, I began my apprenticeship as a midwife and 2 years ago started taking my own clients. I am also very interested in other healing modalities.  In 2000, I became certified as a Nutritional Herbologist and soon thereafter began teaching classes on nutrition where I taught such subjects as whole foods, raw foods, vegetarianism, veganism, cleansing, supplementation and overall physical and emotional health and well being.  Six years ago, I was introduced to Native American spirituality.  In 2007, I studied with James "Flaming Eagle" Mooney who, soon thereafter, gifted me as a Medicine Woman and water pourer.  I have also been gifted as a Pipe Carrier by Richard "He Who Has The Foundations" Swallow, Spiritual Leader of the Eagle Clan of the Lakota/Sioux.  I have spent the last 4 years learning from my current teacher David "Black Jaguar" Hamblin (http://www.theredpath.com), who has taught me many Native practices that deal with emotional, psychological and spiritual healing, not only in personal life but in conception, pregnancy and birth.

I have been married to my LOVING husband, Chris Talley, for the last 15 years.  Together we have 5 children.  All were born at home.  The last 3 being born under water.  The last one, born 2 years ago, I delivered on my own, catching her as she was born.  It was an experience above and beyond any I have ever had.  I LOVE to read and educate myself on the mind, body and soul connection.  I truly enjoy researching current evidence that shows that we are all connected, that we are all one, and that we can't do without each other! 
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I have really hesitated to write about Miriam’s birth story – part three, the final story in my three part series.  As I looked back at Part One and Part Two, I realized it took me about two months in between each of those to finally get them posted so I guess I’m right on schedule!  The true reason though as to why I’ve hesitated is because sharing these stories takes a great deal of courage for me to share some of the deepest parts of myself and be so vulnerable.  Then why do it you may be asking yourself?  Quite simply it’s because I’ve been inspired time and time again that I need to share my story with other women.  As a caution to any new readers, it would serve you well to read Part One and Part Two of my birth stories so you are not totally confused.  This is the final of three separate blog posts about the differences in the births of my three children.  
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