**There are still a few days left to enter into my Gratitude Giveaway and win a set of my handmade cards. Check it out here.***
“The moment you say affirmations, you are stepping out of the victim role.You are no longer helpless.You are acknowledging your own power.”Louise Hay
I’ve had some criticism and skepticism from others regarding my path lately and I am writing now for myself as a reminder that I know I am in the right place for me right now in my life. I already know this on many levels, but lately I’ve been dealing with some deep core parts of myself that still need to hear these affirmations. A dear friend of mine introduced me to Daily Kabbalah Tune Ups and I love getting these insights in my inbox everyday.You can read more about Kabbalah on their website.I believe there is a lot of truth in what they are teaching and the daily emails help me to keep perspective as I continually work on changing my limiting beliefs.The email I received this morning was perfect.
“Certainty isn’t positive thought or a personal mantra. It’s not, I know he’s the one or I’m sure everything is going to be fine in the end. Positive thinking is important, but it’s not certainty. Certainty is knowing that this system works, and because it works, I’m in the right place right now, regardless of how it looks. And because I’m in the right place at the right time, every time, I need to be good with where I’m at. No matter what. Today, inject greater certainty that you’re on the right path, that you’re connected to the Light, and that you’re in the right place, at the right time, every time.”
I guess you could say that I’ve fallen off the band wagon.Most people use this metaphor when talking about dieting but in this instance I guess you could say I’ve fallen off the love band wagon.Just ten days ago I wrote, It’s All About the Love blog post, expressing how much love I was feeling and that I really understood the gift of charity.Unfortunately those amazing feelings didn’t last long I’m sad to admit.I was feeling really good for a couple days and then I allowed the doubt, fear, and anger creep back into my heart.I was really making a conscious effort to pray and to constantly express my gratitude and ask for help in staying in my heart for several days.Now I’m sitting here ten days later realizing that I’m listening to my head voice and submitting to doubt and fear.Part of me wonders what the hell went wrong, I thought I was going to feel like this forever??Another part of me knows that this is the cycle that we all go through and hopes that those moments of love and peace will last longer and the moments of doubt and fear will be less and less.
A good indicator that we aren’t living in our heart is taking personal inventory in how our thoughts are making us feel.Are our thoughts making us sad, doubtful, fearful, angry, distrusting, or envious?If so it’s an amazing internal indicator that what we are thinking isn’t inspired by the Divine.God wants us to be happy, full of love, creative, inspired, grateful and joyful.Admittedly again, I know that my thoughts have not been God inspired.Sometimes I get in my head and I spin and spin with negative thoughts and scenarios.This has been what I’ve been doing as of late and I’m glad that I can realize it and stop being so stubborn and hard hearted.Sometimes I just want to stay in that negative place because I’m more comfortable that way.When I think about that though, it’s sad that I would believe deep down that being negative is more comfortable and safe than letting in love.
I am human and thus I make a lot of mistakes.I was also made in the image of God and so I am also very capable of turning that negativity around with the help of my Savior.I guess I’m really just writing for me right now and that I need to take my own advice…I’m grateful that I was able to record my feelings the other day because it’s helping me right now to soften my cold heart.Part of this process requires a lot of repentance.For me it also involves a lot of crying and allowing myself to feel my broken heart.It also involves casting out the lies that I have been telling myself that aren’t making me happy.The most glorious part of this process is finally surrendering to Love and letting in the Divine.It really feels so much better to be soft.The truth is I’m really scared and I feel extremely vulnerable being in my heart.
What it comes down to is I’m training myself to think…to watch my thoughts…to plant positive seeds in my mind.I’ve realized that a big part of this for me is positive affirmations.Sadly I haven’t been doing affirmations as much as I have in the past and I can tell a difference.I went on a walk alone this weekend and remembered how I used to go on affirmation walks several months ago. These walks consisted of me repeating affirmations in my mind the entire way.“I love and accept myself” used to be my internal mantra. This past weekend I walked and was thinking about my internal struggle to stay in my heart lately and how this struggle comes down to me still not loving myself.I decided to say this affirmation while walking and was amazed at all the negative self talk that began to arise.I spent the remainder of my walk in prayer, repenting for listening to lies again, and asking for help in realizing my power and beauty as a women and daughter of God. In addition to positive affirmation, visualization is also a tool that helps me stay in my heart.I lamented to a friend once that I really struggle with positive imaging and visualization. She shared her same struggle but also expressed how she could visualize and create all sorts of negative scenarios in her head about herself, her husband, or others.She wisely said that if we can create all sorts of negative untrue scenarios in our heads, then we posses the power to visualize, we are just doing it with the power of fear and doubt!Well that made sense to me and I decided to stop telling myself that I can’t visualize – because clearly I can, I’ve just been going about it all wrong.Yet again, I have succumbed to negative imaging and visualization.I realized it tonight because I was feeling pretty crummy about myself.I recalled this conversation and immediately realized that I’ve had a very negative internal dialogue going on inside of me.I’m grateful to see this so I can repent of doing it and then ask for help in visualizing the things that I DO want in my life.I really need a lot of love even though it scares me out of my mind sometimes to be loved; it’s really what I want.Thank you to all of you who love, support, and encourage me.
I am feeling so much love and peace right now.In this moment I really understand the gift of charity.I understand more so than ever that it really is a gift that is given to us by God.The only way we can truly posses this gift is to pray and ask for it.I did last night and my prayers were really answered.I am so grateful for this gift and for the power of prayer!I went to group (the Red Path Healing Circle) last night feeling pretty angry.As I mentioned yesterday I’ve had a lot of anger issues come up in relationship to some pretty deep wounded childhood energy.I faced that energy head on last week and felt peace for about a day or so then my anger started creeping in and I ended up taking it out on everyone.It was a hard week and in all honesty, my anger didn’t make me happy.I really don’t like being mad all the time and getting triggered by anything and everything.However, on the Red Path we are taught to take accountability and if something is manifesting in our life, it’s because we want it – good or bad.So, since I was angry last week it was because a part of me still wants to be angry and feels safer being angry.But really underneath all that anger is my pain and that is what this week was really about.I was running from my pain by being angry.So back to last night…I decided to work on my anger and why I was running from my pain.Although it was painful, I’d much rather feel my true feelings than hide behind my anger, even if I have to punish myself by being in that space for a week - lol.When we are feeling the depth of our pain then we can give that to the Savior. It’s hard to give that pain to the Savior when we are masking it with feelings of anger and rage. I believe in Jesus Christ and He is my Savior.I desire to be like Him and to have the gift of charity.Last night as I was processing it was clear as day to me what my real challenge is.I have to decide every day to choose love rather than hate, anger, and fear.Because I am an agent I can choose in each moment which spirit I am going to live my life by.I chose last night to have the spirit of love and prayed to have the gift of charity.
I’m having a hard time blogging – in case you haven’t noticed.I really wanted to be a consistent blogger because I like reading blogs that update on a consistent basis, especially when I look forward to reading what they have to say.In my mind I have become a complete slacker.But slacking really isn’t the word I’d use for what’s going on with me lately.I’ve been working through some pretty deep energy lately.My hubby has been wonderful to help me feel safe to go to some pretty internal scary places that have been sealed shut for a LONG time.I’m learning to let his love in and let him comfort the parts inside of me that have been hurt, abused, and are quite frankly scared to death.Let me tell you, it’s terrifying.He is absolutely amazing to me when I am working through this kind of energy and no one could do a better job than him.As hard as the past few weeks and months have been for me in facing myself, I believe it’s necessary for what I really want.You see, I want to be an authentic human being and it’s my believe that you can’t really be authentic if you pretending that parts of you don’t exist and if there are parts of you that are festering in anger, pain, and denial.It’s my goal to really let love into all those parts of me and to release my anger and pain and give it to the Savior – after all he already paid the price for that, right?
This is all easier said than done.I’m finally learning for the first time in my life what the scriptures are talking about when they say, pray without ceasing.It’s not just a basic Sunday school answer, it’s more than that.It’s the challenge for all of us and as much as I resist it, there is another part of me that desperately wants to finally “get it.”I’m much closer to getting it than I have been before and I am grateful and moved to tears as I think about everything that I have gone through to get to this place.I realize how prideful I’ve been and how I push the Spirit away.I have so much to be grateful for and I have truly been blessed beyond measure.I’ve been given so many spiritual gifts and understanding through my so called “trials” and this scares me at times because I know where much is given much is required.I really don’t know what the Lord has in store for me in the future but I know it has something to do with sharing my story.I hope to be patient with myself and loving as I continue to discover my truth on every level. Thank you to all of you who teach me by example to be gentle and loving with everyone, including myself.Thank you for teaching me about love.I’m grateful for who I am today and who I was yesterday- it’s all part of who I am becoming tomorrow.
Disclaimer: This is a LONG blog post...proceed with caution! If you missed Part One, read that first here.
My biggest transformational shift came after Evan was born.Two years after he was born we were trying to get pregnant again, but no such luck.Shortly after Evan’s 2nd birthday my husband at the time was diagnosed with having a brain tumor.It wasn’t until after having surgery to remove the tumor did we find out that it was cancerous.He made the decision almost immediately to try an “alternative” route to healing his cancer and to put it simply, I freaked out.I grew up in a family that went to the doctor when I was sick and took medication for anything from a headache to strep throat.I thought my husband was going to die and was scared to death that he didn’t want to go to a doctor to do the recommended treatment.I took his decision personally and decided he must not love me or our growing family enough because he didn’t want to go through the expected radiation treatments. This experience was really the pivotal moment in my life, where my foundation started to crumble. I will write about this transformation in more detail at a later time, but for now I’ll keep it as simple as possible to outline what happened with my pregnancy with my son Daniel and his birth.A lot of things happened during this time, so even though there is a lot of information it is all pertinent to my birth experience.
I found a link to the video below from someone else’s blog although I can’t remember who!Sometimes as mother’s we really can begin to feel like we are invisible.I love this quote from the video.
“At times my invisibility has felt like an affliction to me.But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.It is the cure for the disease of self-centeredness.It is the antidote for my own pride…Let’s pray that our work will stand as a monument to an even greater good.”
I remember as a teenager when I was struck with an awareness that all the scriptural references about “pride” applied to me.At times it’s hard to admit that we are prideful and to see our weaknesses so plainly.I admit that most days I want to be noticed for the things I do and the time I spend into taking care of my family.I’ve heard it said that when we really want to be validated by others, we can simply give ourselves the positive feedback we are seeking.For example: after spending all day cleaning the house and doing laundry I can say, “Christa, you did such an amazing job cleaning the house today!Everything looks so nice and I noticed that you picked up that pile of papers that’s been sitting there all week and that you did all the laundry. You must have spent a lot of time and energy into cleaning today!”This might sound silly, but it does work, the few times I’ve tried it.This is definitely a something I can work on!
This week has been hard for me returning back to all the things that were on hold last week for Miriam's surgery. I've got a list forever long of things to do and to top it off my two-year old has been sick and very whiney.It was nice to watch this video and remember that I really am doing a great work. I hope you are uplifted by the message of this video as I was!
I believe in the power, existence, and reality of a Divine Mother.I think it’s a shame that we don’t talk about HER, in addition to talking to about Heavenly Father and a Savior.In my upbringing in the LDS or Mormon faith, we rarely talk about her and her existence and I was taught that she is too sacred for us to talk about.I honor the tradition of my childhood and I have always felt drawn to learn more about Her.I’ve always wanted to know more about HER and more about my connection with her.I mean, I’m a woman and so is she - so shouldn’t I be getting my identity from her – my Divine Mother?If we supposedly get our identity from our same gender parent… shouldn’t we be getting our identity from our Divine Parents as well?
Well, as a student and woman on the Red Path, I am so grateful for the Native American perspective of our Divine Mother.My learning and growth on the Red Path has helped me to face the truth about myself, overcome my weaknesses, and heal my pain through the Savior, Jesus Christ.On the Red Path, we are taught that the Earth is a physical representation of our Divine Mother and we can learn so much from her as we honor, love, respect, and take care of the Earth.When I am struggling if I take the time to be outside, relax, take off my shoes, put my face in the grass and let Her support me, I feel rejuvenated, loved, and peaceful.
I am learning what it means to be a woman and am grateful for all the moments I have been taught so clearly how to live by my Divine Mother.There have been some pivotal and powerful moments where I was taught so lovingly by her.Our Divine Mother is the manifestation of LOVE.If we want the gift of charity, then she can teach us through her love about the Savior and the love He has for us as well.She can be a safe place for those of us who have been hurt by men and struggle in our faith and belief in Heavenly Father’s love.Even though I have had these amazing experiences, I have still hardened my heart and fail to let her love in on a consistent basis.Amazingly enough, as much as I desire it, it’s hard to be loved – really and truly loved and accepted for I am.None of us in this earthly experience are perfect and so it takes a great deal of faith to believe that someone so Divine would love us so fully and perfectly.I am so human – I struggle, doubt, fear, and live in my pain so frequently.However, the other night I had an amazing experience where I was able to yet again open up to her love.Thank you Divine Mother for loving me.Thank you for helping me on my journey to love and accept myself no matter what.Thank you for your gift of faith and peace.Thank you for teaching me about my Creator.Thank you for being safe.I am grateful to be a woman, wife, and mother and that I am a living expression of her.
Evan was born July 23, 2003 at the Madison Hospital in Rexburg Idaho.I was married to his father at the time and we were both students at BYU-Idaho.I was young, inexperienced, naïve, and scared.His birth was almost 7 years ago and I was a completely different person then.I have changed dramatically since those days but to understand that change I must detail who I was and how I thought back then.I scrapbooked his first year of life while he was still young and I wrote down his birth story in that scrapbook.
Being pregnant wasn’t the best experience of my life, but the end result sure was worth those long nine months of waiting.I went to Madison Women’s Clinic for my pre-natal care and visited three different doctors – Dr. Allred, Dr.Barton, and Dr. Crouch (ABC’s). I listened to the advice of friends and went with this clinic because of the positive feedback I'd heard. I figured that because there were 3 different doctors I'd get a good balance of perspectives and personalities. For the most part I liked them, but Dr. Barton was by far my least favorite and Dr. Crouch was my favorite. I remember one time Dr. Barton was the doctor for my prenatal appointment and I was asking him a question. He had is hand on the doorknob and about to walk out of the room and seemed bugged when he had to turn around and answer me. It did help though to have their medical advice and reassurance that I was normal.I read lots of magazines, books, and asked family and friends countless questions.The first trimester I didn’t feel too great because I had morning sickness.I threw up every morning and sometimes at night.I was always hungry during the first months, so I would have to take snacks with me to school and work so I wouldn’t get sick.I worked at 6am and would frequently throw up just before going to work and would cry on the drive to work.
Hi! I'm Christa, a dynamic woman and mother on my personal path of self discovery. I’m passionate about natural childbirth, green living, herbal remedies, vegan/raw food, crafts, woodworking, Down syndrome, spiritual healing, essential oils, owning my power and beauty as a woman and empowering other woman to live their truth.
RSS Feed